Recently, one thing led to another in my life and I found myself accessing a million memories I had put on a shelf for a rainy day, if ever another day.
As if being allowed to feel
I had debts to settle
But good memories don’t need to be turned into sad songs – you just have to hope your head has enough room to add new verses to those old tunes – and, ultimately, you’re ready to accept these new thoughts and findings into canon.
Afterall, the past can’t break you, or it would have when it was your present. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to walk away without a couple of bumps and bruises.
Buckle up, baby – this is where the weird gets real – and you need to own it. Because this is you figuring you out in the midst of balance.
These memories were a mix of emotions and have led to a series of reinterpretations of my life – in my dreams:
Bits and pieces of my past
mixing with my imagination
and putting me through the paces –
in detail, without regard for my waking life:
happening in different places,
from different angles.
Placing me haphazardly
in scenes I’ve never seen before.
It’s all wild.
It all wakes me up between 4:08am and 4:43am..
And, to some extent, it’s all amazing – all over again. But it lingers and mixes with my day, so I need to be cognizant of these ripples splashing at my ankles, randomly. I can’t afford to get too deep.
It’s the largest bout of balance I’ve ever had to face, and it proves just how well-built we are to deal with life.
I mean, at some point you have realize that it’s not all about butterflies and bunny rabbits – the gift of living and experiencing life is the reward; it’s the big picture, and it really isn’t always going to be perfect. After all, how do you feel the big feelings if all you feel is the same thing?
You need to laugh to cry.
You need to experience sorrow to appreciate joy.
I don’t have any real hang-up’s from the life I’ve lived, thus far – as, at nearly 40, I have picked up all the pre-determined, modern society, big ticket items already – leaving me able to fuss over the details.
And that’s where the focus lands – as there’s always a bit of regret floating around in the minutiae – and those little things add up.
But still, even within all these reflections – accessing all these deep moments – I’m able to put one foot in front of the other and keep my mind, generally, free of those things that could – and maybe have been – crippling, from my past.
I don’t know. I’m not one to repress anything – nor do I scare easy and shift away from tough subjects and elaborate dramatics – but the only explanation for any of these things to be coming up now – these feelings – these ideas – these anything – must be a band-aid; a coping mechanism to keep me from getting out in to the deep waters of what’s happening in front of me.
… As if dangling my head over the edge
is going to help my fear of heights.
What about that ethereal force
that wants to pull me
all the way over the edge into oblivion!?!?
But that’s why, I believe, we’re built to get through anything. We’re fragile, but our determination and wonder keep us from cracking.
We’re all like a raindrop on the head of a pin fearing the wind, but secretly wanting to see what that wind can do.
We are built to withstand – and in that moment is where we experience life at its most amazing and raw. And those experiences get categorized by our interpretation.
For every great accomplishment, there’s a bit of regret floating in the current. Something you experienced where the focus was ultimately positive and beneficial, but the byproduct of which was sacrifice.
That’s balance – that’s the universe keeping its chakra aligned; even if it seems a little shitty.
I mean, she’s got a lot to deal with – what makes you think you’ve ever been the focus? You’re just part of the puzzle! And though the universe will guide you from time to time, she’s a busy bee – and sometimes you need to take over.
Our past is what’s pushing us forward. And it’s an accomplishment to be able to sift through it all and come out better for it. Those experiences are what’s reminding us to keep treading water. But eventually you need to swim, or you will sink.
Never hang out too long in the deep.
Feel free to wade in the shallows.
That’s what they’re there for.
All in restless waters..